Google+ Consumer Psyche: Why are Indians so horny?

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Thursday, July 25, 2013

Why are Indians so horny?


A totally awesome finding by Jug Suraiya.. a little long but this is too good !

Is it because they are so many that they are so horny, or is it the other way round? If the men are bad, the women are worse. They're horny all the time. Right out in the open. In full public view. In the middle of the road. Go out any day, whatever the season, spring, summer, monsoon, autumn or winter. And you'll see them - or rather, hear them - going at it hammer and tongs: PEEEH! PAAA!! POOOOH!!! PEEEE!!!!

Why do Indians, all Indians who drive cars, trucks, buses, three-wheelers and two-wheelers, blow the horns of their vehicles all the time? To foreigners and other such unenlightened people it is one of the more mystifying aspects of our ancient civilisation morphed into a young, get-up-and-go nation. In foreign parts people blow their horns too, of course. They blow their horns when they want to avoid an accident by alerting another vehicle or a pedestrian who is in their path. Or they might blow their horns to attract the attention of a passing friend or acquaintance. Sometimes they blow their horns to vent their annoyance at another road-user who's transgressed driving norms or etiquette in some way. But apart from these specific applications, in other countries horns are most noticeable for their lack of use. 

In India the reverse is true. If in other countries traffic is hornless, by and large, in India horns are often trafficless. A car, or bus, or truck, or scootie is being driven down a straight, empty road. There is nothing else on the road, not even - incredibly - a stray cow or dog wandering across it. However, the person driving the car, bus, truck, scootie, whatever will have a thumb - or preferably both thumbs, two always being better than one in such cases - pressed down firmly on the horn: PEEE! PAAA!! PAAAAWW!!! EEEE!!!!!

Who is the driver sounding the horn for? No one knows. Because there is no one there to hear it. Except the driver. Is the driver sounding the horn for the driver? Like one reciting a prayer or a mantra to oneself in order to get in touch with one's innermost being? Is the automotive horn in India a form of spirited self-communion, like satsangs, bhajans and all-night jagrans?

At a busy intersection the red traffic light is on, halting movement in that direction. Or there's a traffic jam. Vehicles gridlocked, bumper to bumper. No one's going anywhere. No one can go anywhere. So what do the drivers, all the drivers do? That's right. They start blowing their horns PAAAW! EEEE!! PAAAA!!! And they don't stop blowing them until the red light changes to green in their favour, or the traffic jam unjams itself and things start moving again. 

Why do Indian drivers blow their horns at all times when there is no ostensible reason to do so - i.e., clear road - or when blowing the horn won't serve any purpose anyway, i.e., red light/traffic jam? And the reason of course is that Indian drivers have reinvented the automotive engine. 

In other places, the automotive engine is powered by the combustion of petrol or diesel which causes pistons to move and propel the vehicle. In India, the engine is directly connected to the horn, and it is the sheer decibel volume of the horn that powers the vehicle, be it truck, car or two-wheeler. The petrol or diesel which people have to put into their vehicles at great cost? A necessary, though expensive, subterfuge to keep the rest of the world from getting to know about our revolutionary reinvention of the automotive engine. India's reinvented engine works on horn power. If drivers don't use their horns, or use them insufficiently, their vehicles will stop moving. This is what causes traffic jams. And red lights. The answer to both of which is to make up the horn-deficit and blow your horn even louder and longer. This will cause the jam to unjam, the red light to change to green. PEEE! PAAAH!! POOOH!!!

Sorry, what did you say? Can't hear a word. All that horniness has driven us all stone deaf.


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